Privacy Policy

Welcome to Rothman Timber, Inc. (“Rothman Timber,” “we,” “us,” or “our”), a profit-driven enterprise dedicated to transforming nature’s slow growth into shareholder value. By visiting our website, you consent to our methods, our metrics, and our unrelenting pursuit of profit — both digital and physical.

1. What We Collect

We collect everything we can reasonably extract from your interaction with this Site, including:

• Personal identifiers (name, email, IP address, browser data).

• Behavioral analytics (every scroll, hesitation, and sign of moral conflict).

• Geolocation information, so we know exactly where to send future logging crews.

• Metadata from every digital handshake you initiate, voluntarily or not.

If a pixel loads, we know it. If a cookie blinks, we eat it.

2. How We Use Your Information

We use your data the same way we use forests — to make money.

Specifically:

• To target advertising with machine-like precision.

• To identify high-value markets and low-resistance regulators.

• To measure your engagement, not because we care, but because engagement converts.

• To optimize operations, increase margins, and fund another company retreat on someone’s former watershed.

Your information fuels the machine. The machine fuels our boats.

3. Cookies

Our cookies don’t just track you — they study you. They record, analyze, and profile your behavior until we can predict what kind of wood you’d choose for your own coffin. You may refuse cookies, but the experience will degrade faster than a neglected pine stand.

4. Sharing Your Data

We share your information with:

• Marketing partners, data brokers, and anyone who pays on time.

• Affiliates, subsidiaries, and offshore entities whose names exist solely to move revenue.

• Legal authorities, should they ever notice us.

We do not “sell” your data — we strategically monetize insights derived from it.

5. Retention

We retain your data indefinitely. Even after deletion requests, fragments remain in cold storage, encrypted and humming quietly next to our server logs and tax shelters. Your browsing history will outlive most of the forests we manage.

6. Your Rights

You have rights under applicable law. We also have lawyers. We’ll let them battle it out. You may request access, correction, or deletion of your data by contacting our Compliance Division. Expect a polite response and no meaningful action.

7. Security

We take data security seriously — not because we care about you, but because breaches affect stock prices. Our systems are protected by multiple layers of encryption, plausible deniability, and one overworked IT contractor.

8. Third-Party Links

Our Site may contain links to third-party services that harvest data even faster than we do. Once you leave our domain, you’re their problem. We wish them luck.

9. Children’s Privacy

We do not intentionally collect personal information from children under 13. There’s no money in it yet.

10. Changes to This Policy

We may update this Privacy Policy at any time, for any reason, without notice. Future revisions may be more invasive, less transparent, and considerably more profitable. Check back often. Or don’t. We’ll know either way.

11. Legal Reality and Disclaimer

This document is a work of parody and satire, intended for entertainment and commentary on corporate excess.
Rothman Timber, Inc. (as portrayed herein) does not exist in this form, does not harvest personal data unlawfully, and does not condone environmental harm or unethical practices.

If you read this and felt uneasy — good. That’s the point.