Service Agreement

This Service Agreement (“Agreement”) is entered into between Rothman Timber, Inc. (“Rothman Timber,” “we,” “us,” or “our”) and the individual or entity (“Client,” “you,” or “your”) who has, knowingly or unknowingly, engaged with our services. By doing business with Rothman Timber, you agree to the following terms, whether you’ve read them or not — because let’s be honest, you didn’t.

1. Purpose

The purpose of this Agreement is simple: Rothman Timber exists to remove trees and convert them into capital. Any language about sustainability, stewardship, or environmental harmony is purely decorative and should not be construed as policy.

Our goal is to maximize shareholder value through the efficient extraction of natural resources, with minimal regard for sentimental attachment to “the land,” “ecosystems,” or “future generations.”

2. Scope of Services

2.1 Primary Services:
Rothman Timber will cut, harvest, process, and sell any timber deemed economically viable, regardless of its age, majesty, or spiritual significance.

2.2 Secondary Services:
We also provide:

• Site clearing for luxury developments.

• Rebranding deforestation as “land improvement.”

• Environmental impact reports that use optimistic adjectives.

• Public statements that include the words “responsible,” “sustainable,” and “community partnership” in close proximity but without measurable definition.

2.3 Client Responsibilities:
Your responsibility is to authorize, or fail to stop, our operations. By not intervening, you are tacitly consenting to whatever we decide to do with your trees, land, or public relations narrative.

3. Compensation

3.1 Payment Terms:
We are to be paid in full, on time, and preferably more than agreed upon. Delays in payment will result in interest, penalties, and possibly the quiet removal of additional timber while you’re distracted.

3.2 Additional Costs:
Should environmental regulations, protests, or public outrage occur, associated costs (legal, marketing, or bribery-adjacent) will be passed directly to the Client.

4. Ownership and Title

Once a tree falls, it belongs to Rothman Timber — emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You retain ownership only of the resulting stump and the existential guilt.

5. Liability

Rothman Timber is not liable for:

• Damage to soil, air, water, wildlife, or reputations.

• Negative press coverage, documentaries, or hashtags.

• Property disputes with entities who thought they owned “protected land.”

• Acts of God, unless He files an injunction in the proper jurisdiction.

Any liability that cannot be avoided will be denied, delayed, or delegated.

6. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify and hold harmless Rothman Timber from any claims, lawsuits, or emotional distress arising from our services, including but not limited to ecological collapse, increased carbon output, or awkward conversations at community meetings.

7. Confidentiality

Both parties agree to keep confidential all sensitive information, including but not limited to:

• True logging volumes, actual environmental damage, and internal communications describing “Operation Raven Hill.”

• Campaign contributions, offshore accounts, and internal memos labeled Not for Regulators.

8. Public Relations and Messaging

Rothman Timber reserves full creative control over any statements made on behalf of both parties. Messaging will emphasize “responsible forest management” while quietly defining “responsible” as “profitable.”

9. Termination

This Agreement may be terminated by either party, but Rothman Timber reserves the right to continue operations if doing so remains lucrative. Trees do not wait for paperwork.

10. Dispute Resolution

Any disputes shall be resolved by arbitration in a jurisdiction favorable to Rothman Timber, presided over by a mediator with either a financial interest in the company or a strong appreciation for yachts.

11. Force Majeure

Rothman Timber shall not be held responsible for delays caused by natural disasters, labor strikes, divine intervention, or environmental activists chaining themselves to valuable assets.

12. Ethics

Rothman Timber maintains an Ethics Committee, consisting of one attorney and a taxidermied owl. The committee meets quarterly to ensure compliance with internal values, all of which relate to margin growth.

13. Survival

Sections related to payment, indemnity, and narrative control survive termination indefinitely, as does Rothman Timber’s unwavering dedication to profit.

14. Governing Law

This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of the jurisdiction most favorable to Rothman Timber’s continued success, which may or may not exist in your country.

15. Final Acknowledgment

By engaging with Rothman Timber, you affirm that you understand our priorities: growth, profit, and expansion. The forest was never personal. It was always inventory.

Addendum

Legal and Moral Disclaimer

This document is a work of satire and dark humor. Rothman Timber, Inc. (as described herein) does not exist in this form and does not condone or practice environmental harm, unethical business conduct, or data exploitation.

This parody is intended to critique corporate excess, environmental negligence, and profit-at-all-costs culture.
If you felt uncomfortable reading it, it’s because you have a soul.